I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
What is going on? 😅
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*