what do u call a sleeping pizza
ha ha haha
someone date me plss
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?
Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.