@envydatropic

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

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@UmmmSassy

what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss

@notalogin

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

@BlindChow

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

@KellyMeldrum

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

@CallousBalzac

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

@MikeDrucker

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

@AdamTheLobster

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

@FredTaming

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

@HomeWithPeanut

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.