I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day