@envydatropic: I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn't rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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@Darlainky: Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
@iwearaonesie: *comes back with wife's purse* w: I said don't run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled? m:[bleeding] Twice
@blopt: My parents are middle aged. "Mine are to-" [parents burst through bedroom door on horses] "CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?"
@MikeLonghelt: They told me to spread love wherever I go. Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella. You can never win with some people.