Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*