I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
You Might Also Like
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
When your diet is finally over.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape