Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I created you as mosquito food.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think