Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Siri, fight Alexa.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.