I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.