I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
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To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*