I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so