I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
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I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Sniffing the broccoli
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?