Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS