I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
