Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …