I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
You Might Also Like
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
new wife guy just dropped
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.