Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.