Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

My boss called in sick of me

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

real

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats