I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
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How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Go gym
These aliens are taking forever.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws