I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I’m already scared
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.