I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
You Might Also Like
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Fluff me with a fork baby
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Damn what did I do next
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]