I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
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Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour