I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
With a text.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
it must be school picture day
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?