I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
You Might Also Like
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.