Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

found this cool rock hiking today

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.