Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
You Might Also Like
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I want a sex change.
From “none” to “some”.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”