ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
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Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
life: here’s some lemons
life: a bad hairline too
life: also anxiety lol
me: why did u start with citrus
Her: I got hit by lightning when I was younger
Me: did you die
I’m not high! – high people
I’m not drunk! – drunk people
I’m not lying! – lying people
I’m not gay! – my brother
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
We should’ve cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they’re part of a Thriller flash mob
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house