“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
You Might Also Like
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?