@molly7anne

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

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@TheHyyyype

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

@randypaint

life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus

@AndRyanTF

I’m not high! – high people

I’m not drunk! – drunk people

I’m not lying! – lying people

I’m not gay! – my brother

@Mr_Kapowski

We should’ve cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they’re part of a Thriller flash mob

@SkunkFarts

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

@GayDeceiver

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

@InternetHippo

Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house