Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

God has abandoned us.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax