I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
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Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭