I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!