I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*