Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

lol

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

Steam Forums

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.