Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?