I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
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My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
weird email i got today
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days