Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*