Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…