Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

smh

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.