“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
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I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price