Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

hand it over!

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Strange

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)