“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
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*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem