“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

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[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO


(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?


I enjoy jogging in the mountains because nature is beautiful and cardiac arrest excites me.


Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave
M: I can’t believe they went off the registry.
J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.


I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.


Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.


The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.


*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.


[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over