Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now