Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

my one true gender

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way