Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

Lucky old June.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else