I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING