I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.