I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.