I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
You Might Also Like
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
im 7 sauces long
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick