Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

The Struggle

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Become ungovernable.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Merica.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way