I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
This sounds bad:
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Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please