Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Saint West, the patron of selfies

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

Oh deer

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Sorry. Not sorry

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me