I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Challenge accepted.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.