I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
You Might Also Like
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.