I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Breaking news:
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Oh yeah that’s it
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.