I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work