I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I love the honesty
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
just gave your address to some spiders
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.