I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.