Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Noah

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.