Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?