I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

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WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*


It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.


Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.


[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute


Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.


Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people


3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑


If you’ve never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you’re not me.


The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.