@MrsGoose69

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

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@xLiserx

Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.

@JimmerThatisAll

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

@FuzzyDuck17

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

@ShesARealGenius

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

@VibesBummer

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

@markydoodoo

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

@BuckyIsotope

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

@a_olivia4212

We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

@Willie1derful

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.