I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

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Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.


Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.


Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.


Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’


Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.


[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*


It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.


If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”


We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.


The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.