Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y