Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

58.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.