Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

If you love someone, let them sleep.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

Joseph Smith, 1833

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.