I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
You Might Also Like
Succinctly put.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now