I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
August 8
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
