Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”