Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Snapes on a plane.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

honestly, i need both:

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.