I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.