old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it